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The Cornstalk46 minutes ago

BREAKING NEWS: Heineman Selected as State's Leader, Indefinitely

By Matt Rokeby Contributor for The Cornstalk

The white smoke emerged earlier today from the maintenance room of the State Capitol's private parking garage, signifying that the Capitol Conclave had chosen a new leader for the State of Nebraska. In a surprise, Dave Heineman was selected as the state's permanent leader.

The Conclave had been sequestered in the maintenance room to confer regarding the unknown future of the state leadership. Not since two women ran for Nebraska governor in the 1980s has there been such turmoil in the back rooms and caverns of the State Capitol building.

The apparent lack of a strong leader willing to step forward and fill the shoes of Governor Dave Heineman forced the Capitol Conclave to meet secretly and decide the fate of Nebraska's future. Heineman was not expected to be a candidate but it is thought that he was selected due to a combination of threats, offers of red polo shirts, and whoring out Snickers the Dog out for children's parties.

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